It has taken me a long time to find the right words to speak my business out of existence, at least for now. I have been at this — photography — for a long time. Really, it was my first baby. My first real creation. My first inkling that I was good at something. That I could foster something, nurture it, and breathe life into it. And through that work I’ve been able to help so many people. Believe me when I say it’s not easy to say goodbye to my clients and to my professional work. But it is necessary.
Love and Marriage
Around the same time I picked up my first camera I met the man who would become my husband. I fell in love in all the most beautiful, comical, and absurdly rom-com ways. But that’s a story for another blog, another day.
As my husband and I began to build a life together, we were each also building our own businesses. However, because raising our children ourselves was a top priority for us, his career necessarily took on greater prominence, so I could focus on our son when he was born.
Very shortly (Very, very shortly) after our first child was born, we bought our lovely little farmhouse here in the Rogue Valley and we welcomed a daughter into our home. Then our third daughter joined us. And, finally, our littlest man, the baby of the family.
Along the way, I’ve formed relationships with clients, established connections with local businesses, and made many friends in the photography business and beyond. Thanks to an incredibly supportive husband and father, I have been able to balance work and family.
I would schedule photo sessions for days when he was home, edit late at night while the kids slept, and fit in time for my marriage, friends, and family, in the in-between spaces of it all. Was I exhausted? Yes. Almost always. But, of course, I chalked that up to being a mother of two, then three, then four, with a husband working more than full time and traveling frequently for work.
To add one more layer on this cake of love and marriage, we decided to homeschool our kids as our oldest would have been entering kindergarten right as the pandemic shut the world down. Keeping the kids home felt like the most natural decision we’ve ever made.
And while I don’t regret it for a second, it has contributed to an energy of endless movement, action, and purpose in our lives. Truly. Endless.
I would never call my life “so busy!” I would say my life was full. And it was full of all the wonderful aspects I chose to fill it with. But lately, that feeling has changed.
So Busy!
Since the birth of my fourth child, life has begun to catch up with me. Whereas before, I always felt like my cup was running over, now I feel like I’m struggling to keep my head above water. I find myself having to remind myself to breathe, and often at the most inopportune moments.
I love my work. I always have. And so I have spent the last two years working overtime to recapture the joy I had always felt before. I’ve expanded my business in new ways. I’ve met new people in my business and formed partnerships. I’ve taken on the most beautiful projects. And it’s all been so enchanting, really.
But still.
I’ve spun myself in circles, and I’m realizing now that it’s all been to try to prove that I’m the same woman that I was when I first picked up a camera, single, with a hot boyfriend and no children. But I’m not that girl anymore. And I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that I don’t want to be her anymore.
I love her. I will always love her. She is the reason I am who I am today. And I love this version of myself.
But I’m also not really sure how I fit into this new version of myself. Wife. Mother of four kids under 10. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Lover. Confidant. Citizen. Woman.
I’ve been so busy proving myself that I haven’t spent enough time just loving myself. Just loving my husband. Just loving my kids. Just loving my life.
It’s “Just” a Phase
In many ways, I think this phase is a natural one for most women in similar situations. We are the multitasking heroes of our families. We’ve been told we can do it all. And because we can, we should.
But I would argue, finally, now, that just because we can, doesn’t mean we should. The whole point of having all these choices is to make choices. And while I have loved being immersed in the world of photography, and I am so grateful to my career and all of my clients for what you have given me, it is a part of my life I need to let go of.
I have been so busy saying yes to everything I have ever wanted in life that I forgot to say no to some things so I can actually take the time to appreciate my life.
So, at least for now, I am saying no to photography as a profession so that I can say yes to my kids, yes to my husband, yes to this life I have created, and yes to myself.
Is it just a phase? Maybe. But, I think most of the different times of our lives are “just” phases. We pass through, we grow, we learn some things, and we move into the next phase.
I’m looking forward to doing just that. To learning more about myself, about where I am right now, about this time of my life. I am looking forward to slower days, restful nights, early morning snuggles, dates with my husband, and immersing myself in motherhood and the domestic bliss so many of us seek but seem incapable of finding.
I read recently about how so many of us are stretched tight, stretched too thin, and we keep saying we’re “fine.”
Well, I’m saying no to being fine.
I want more. More for myself, more for my kids, more for my husband, more for everyone I love.
And more for you.
Because we deserve it.
Farewell for Now
You can bet I’ll still be taking a million pictures of my own family, my own life. And I have every intention of returning to my photography business after a sabbatical of about a year. I also have no doubt that whatever shape my business takes when I return, it will be new, fresh, and relevant to where I am in life at that time.
But for now, I’m embracing the unknown, throwing myself into the mystery of motherhood, and encouraging anyone and everyone reading this to do the same.
Sit with yourself and figure out what you need to say no to, so that you can bring more rest, more peace, more joy, and more you into your life.
Farewell for now, my amazing readers, my wonderful clients. If you need a referral, I am happy to give you the names of some of my favorite photographers here in the valley. Please feel free to reach out.
